What if there’s nothing left

2018. Will this be the year that we finally… no, don’t bother finishing that sentence. We all know how it goes, right?

We started with our fertility clinic in January of 2015 after trying for two years. 2018 will be the end of this road, no matter where it leads.

We’re putting together the financials for one more stim cycle, to hopefully begin shortly after the new year. I’ll pump myself full of hormones until my belly feels ready to pop, and then we’ll wait. Hold our collective breath to see if we have any normal embryos.

Last time I stimmed, my doctor retrieved 23 eggs. Those resulted in only six blastocysts. One of which remains frozen and waiting. I remember being excited to hear that we had six. I thought, well I’m certainly not going to have six kids, so we’re fiiiine. Naive. I was tested but still untested.

This time I will be nearly two years older. To my credit (since I take so little of it), my AMH is still good for 36. I have little doubt that stimming this time will be easy. Easy in the sense that my body will respond appropriately. But not easy at all.

Listen, I’m terrified that we won’t get any normal embryos after PGS testing. That’s what I just have to say. The five previously were not good, but we didn’t know that then. 3AB and her Frozen siblings, Anna, Elsa, Olaf and, then, Anakin. None of them found their home.

I liked the whimsy of having named my embryos. It brought me some levity to the science of it all. But I’m not sure I can name them this time. Really, I just want at least one to have the option of naming.

Just give me one and I’ll shut the hell up.

10 thoughts on “What if there’s nothing left”

  3. lookingfordiamonds says:
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    I’m in the same boat as you in a lot of respects. 2018 will be a decider year for us. Our embryos all failed PGS first time. Next time we did ivf there was no pgs but it’s obvious all our embryos were non viable too. We’ll have to do PGS again in 2018. If all totally fail then that’ll be the end of the road for us using my own eggs. It’s such a tough thing to go through. Never in a million years did I think this would be my life. I wish you all the luck in the world.

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