Infertility is really just a crap-ton of waiting

I’m a few days from starting my period. While nothing tops the two-week wait (TWW) on the anxiety scale, the time waiting to start your next IVF cycle is also stressful. In early January my husband and I repeated our lab work, and I had my 8,000th mock transfer and saline ultrasound to ensure all systems were go to start my last stim cycle. Other than a high TSH (thyroid) level, I’m all set. I wasn’t that surprised that my thyroid check was elevated since I’d been off my hypothyroidism meds for about 10 weeks because it conflicted with the prescribed appetite suppressant I was on for weight loss.

[Quick update on the weight loss: Somehow I’ve managed to quell my emotional eating inner demons, and am down 29.5 pounds! I picked up good habits and flipped that elusive switch that allowed me to rethink how I approach food. Particularly sugar. Perhaps the only person more surprised with my progress than me is my husband who knew all too well how unlikely I was to follow-through with this. It certainly has been challenging, but it’s pretty nice to feel like I am crushing. it. in just this one aspect of my life. Having said that, I’m about to stim again with hormones aplenty, so we’ll see what I’m made of over the next few weeks.]

It feels like there’s nothing but waiting. It’s often infuriating. Particularly in those rare time frames when I actually feel physically and emotionally ready to go down the IVF rabbit hole again. Like, ya know, now.

The downtime between completing one cycle and starting another always varies wildly. In my case, it’s almost always been months when it comes to IVF. I did my first stim (and fresh transfer) in June 2016. In fertility terms, that’s probably 25 potentially good eggs ago. Who knows if it was one of those “wasted” eggs that was the golden one?

Then we did our first FET in November 2016. Bust. The second FET didn’t happen for another ten months. Then I got a little bit pregnant. While money was probably the most significant factor in that span of time, getting answers to why three perfectly normal-looking embryos in an otherwise healthy woman simply didn’t stick (spoiler alert: it was endometritis) was also on the list. Not to mention my emotional health.

Moving into this last cycle, we’re already several months removed from the chemical pregnancy, and we’ve decided to leave our last frozen embryo from our OG stim cycle in the freezer (we’ll test Kristoff with his future embryo sibs). Which, another aside: If Kristoff is the ONE embryo that turns out to be genetically normal after PGS I think my brain may actually explode.

While the Clomid made me insane and pack on the pounds, at least IUIs keep the pace moving. I knocked a bunch of those out in a couple of months.

So we’re into another year of this waiting. Year five. We’ve reached the five-year milestone in infertility even before we did in our marriage. How’s that irony. Just delightful.

giphy

8 thoughts on “Infertility is really just a crap-ton of waiting”

  3. Emma says:
    Reply

    The waiting is the worst part by far. I’m now waiting ‘8-12 weeks’ (they’ve said that twice now, with a four week gap in between) for an investigation they should have done before I even started my first stim cycle. No one can tell me when this op will happen. In the meantime, two friends have announced their pregnancies. I’m so happy for them. *kills self*.

    29.5lbs, though? That is phenomenal. What’s the secret??

    Liked by 1 person

  4. wannabemamab says:
    Reply

    Ugh, I’m so sorry you’re also experiencing the dreaded wait. To have an uncertain timeline, that keeps getting pushed back to boot, is doubly frustrating! It does always seem as though the pregnancies come out of the woodwork at the least opportune times, right? UGH.

    No secret! I’ve just been working with a medically supervised weight loss clinic, and they put me on a modified keto diet. Given that I knew I’d have a small amount of time to hit my goal I haven’t really permitted myself to “cheat” with carbs and sugar, so I’ve been steadily losing the entire time. My first week, when the plan is almost solely protein, I lost 10.5 pounds, so seeing that so quickly definitely kept me motivated, too. It was almost entirely water weight, but seeing a big number right away was what I needed to kick it into high gear. The app supp also worked very well for me (for me to adjust to eating wayyy less than I once did and curbed sugar cravings), although I’m now off it to prep for stims. And thank you! 😀

    Like

  6. Jenny Rhoades says:
    Reply

    It is a lot of hurry up and wait! I hated taking Clomid, I felt like I was going crazy. My heart goes out to you. I hope I can give you some encouragement by saying that I have been there and struggled on that roller coaster for six years before finally being able to have a baby girl. Don’t give up hope and keep reaching out to others. I started writing a blog last year to give hope back to those who are still waiting for their little miracles. Don’t give up hope and I hope this roller coaster ride ends for you soon.

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a comment