Then and Now

Sometimes you need time, the ability to inject yourself with oodles of hormones, a lot of patience and an unexpected reminder from a social platform of how far you’ve come.



I’m kind of a superstitious person. Sometimes. Okay, much of the time. I don’t think I’ll break my mother’s back if I step on a crack in the sidewalk, but if I notice the crack I’ll probably avoid it.

My biggest source of superstition is numbers. Specifically dates. I hold a lot of significance in birth dates, death dates, milestones and the like. Before my husband and I were engaged, I’d talked him into committing to a specific wedding date — July 5th (happy anniversary, love!). My lucky number (and birth date) is seven, and his five. I also would have accepted May 7th as a wedding date, but in 2013, that fell on a Tuesday. Joining two significant numbers together into an important date of unity felt very special. I was not in love with getting married on the hottest day of the year in New York City, but some things were just more important.

Each time we’ve used medical intervention to conceive I’ve found that the expected due dates fell on the birthdays of very important people in my life. The first was my brother’s birthday. The second was my best friend’s (also the day before my aunt’s, who’d died the year earlier). I will never forget them. They’re tattooed on my soul.

When we arrived at the embryo transfer last week, I was on the look out for signs. The date that we’re expected to find out if 3AB “takes” will be during a significant week, but not the specific date. I wanted more of a connection.

I got it.

My embryologist, whom I’d met before but somehow never made the connection, shares a last name with my family. It’s the name of my mother, brother and stepfather. The moment that I read her name embroidered on her scrubs, I felt warm. I literally stopped her mid-sentence and told her she shared a named with my family and that that was such a wonderful gift to me on a day when I was feeling scared. This isn’t a very common name, particularly in the South.

I immediately perked up and held that warmth during the procedure.

My husband asked me after, while I was changing back into my clothes, why I hadn’t further explained the name significance to the embryologist. I knew I could fully form the words without crying. My stepfather died very suddenly five years ago. He was so important to me. I couldn’t say that out loud then, and at that moment I don’t think I would have wanted to. Because I didn’t feel sad when I saw her name and felt the connection – I felt happy. I felt like he was showing me that this was going to be okay. He swooped in with the support that he’d given me throughout my childhood and early adult life.

Thanks for the sign, Dad.

VBA and a heartfelt thank you


My fellow hopeful mama, Conceiving Baby, has honored me by naming me worthy of the Versatile Bloggers Award. Thank you so much! While I’ve been blogging for a long time, I’m new to writing about infertility and sharing this deeply personal topic.

This is also an opportunity for me to say thank you to those that read my story and share your support. Knowing that there is a community of women online who are experiencing the ups and downs along with me en route to becoming a mama has been so important in alleviating some of the alienation infertility can cause. For those of you that I know personally, I also thank you for sending me your love and support after reading my posts. Writing has always been my creative outlet and I am so grateful to utilize it again as I ride this emotional roller coaster.

Now, back to the VBA… Now that I’ve posted the award and thanked Conceiving Baby for the nomination, on to seven facts about myself:

1. As I mentioned, I’ve always enjoyed writing and telling stories. When I was in second grade, each child in my class was required to write and illustrate a “book,” that was then bound by a teacher’s aide using cardboard and contact paper. While the assignment may have been to write one, I fell in love with the experience and created more than 10.

2. I wrote a novel. In 2009, I participated in National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) and completed my first full-length novel in one month. It was one of the most creatively demanding things I’ve ever done, and I was thrilled just to have finished. I’ve read it only once since I finished. Maybe someday I will even edit it!

3. When my husband and I first met, I knew we’d get married.

4. If/when I have a daughter, she will be named for my great-grandmother, who is the kindest person I’ve ever met.

5. My husband and I never went on a honeymoon. We wanted to visit Italy (he’s half Italian), but instead moved from New York City to North Carolina a few weeks after our wedding.

5b. Because of the move, we spent five of our first seven weeks as newlyweds more than 500 miles apart.

6. Most people would identify me with red/auburn hair, but I’ve also been blonde and brunette, and even had black hair briefly.

7. My dog, Odin, was named for the character in Norse mythology and Marvel comic book lore (Thor’s father). He’ll turn a year old next week and I can barely remember a day when he wasn’t one of the loves of my life. Few things make me happier than him wiggling his butt when he’s happy to see me. I am very much looking forward to making him a “big brother.”

I nominate the wonderful bloggers MamaCravings, Seeking Little C and Baby Momma Drama for VBAs. Thank you for sharing your infertility story with me and some many other hopeful mamas!