One of the things that I’m certain all wanna be/future mamas struggle with is resentment, particularly while trying to conceive. It has been a real challenge for me to keep in check. Each time I hear of someone who is pregnant, or whose partner is pregnant, my brain asks why not you? I often hate that that is where my mind goes, but there seems to be little I can do to stop it. Even if I am happy for the person — and I almost always am — it is just what happens.
I may not be able to change my first thoughts upon hearing this news, but I can control my visible reaction and response. In the last few weeks especially, I’ve expressed my disappointment in it not being me to my husband many times after many, many baby announcements. I (probably wrongly) assume that it was easy for them to conceive. They may have gone through the exact same thing that I am. But I always manage to tell myself that they were lucky or blessed. Two things I hardly feel describe me or my situation. They’ll probably glow and look like they just swallowed a basketball at 38 weeks, too.
Of course I have no ill will towards these women, and I sincerely hope that they have healthy pregnancies. I wish I had an easier time feeling the positives. I know my time will come. I just want it to be right now.