There have been a handful of moments over the last few months when I ask myself why I am doing this. Of course, the answer is a baby. I want to build my little family, member by member. Sometimes that gets buried deep down and the negative thoughts get the better of me, though. Moments like this morning when I wake up to knowing I’m, again, not going to expand my family this month. I don’t know whether it’s better to scream and throw things, or cry and collapse.

This morning I was just super pissed off. I wasn’t all that surprised, really, that I wasn’t pregnant. I’d missed my window for IUI, and the old-fashioned method hadn’t previously brought any success. I still stomped around and considered how much longer I could really go on like this. Physically I realize I am lucky because, while I loathe being poked and prodded, the doctors and nurses I work with keep it to a minimum. That may not always be the case, though. Next month will be a little more poking, prodding, testing.

Emotionally is an entirely different story. When a friend or loved one I haven’t spoken to in a while casually asks what’s new? there’s really only one thing to say. It’s, in all honesty, the only thing on my mind most of the time. If I’m not consumed with the treatments and next steps, then I worry about the financial burden this is putting on our already stretched finances (and I can’t even fathom if we were trying to do this when we were still in New York). Or I’m thinking about how long I’ve already been waiting and wanting. Sometimes it is pinning crib mattresses and maternity clothes to revisit another day.

Days like today are more difficult to get up and out and going. Especially when it begins so sour. Yet so like every other day since we decided we were ready to start our family. It started with not not trying, and I never really imagined us here, now; still waiting.

When I wonder how much longer I can go on like this, in this state of mind, it makes me feel guilty. I would give anything to be pregnant. And I’m trying to give everything I can. I am trying. But I am so tired, too.

But, by the same token, I can’t imagine not going on. I mean, of course I will. I’ll let all of the selfish feelings go when I get that second pink little line. Just let that happen. Give me that moment, instead of another negative.

Image from NegativePregnancyTest.com, which is maybe what I should have named this blog.