Settling into failure

A few days have passed since we officially found out that our first IVF cycle was unsuccessful. My anger at the situation has tapered, although still rears its head in flashes. I’ve since settled into disappointment and a general feeling of being lost. Much of my last three-plus years has left me in a similar place, so, unfortunately its rather familiar. It’s hard to make sense of that sometimes — that this is my new normal — but I’ve begrudgingly accepted it.

There’s not much I can do right now but make myself reasonably comfortable in this lost space. We’ll meet with the doctor in two weeks to go over key learnings from my failed first cycle and then make a plan to move on. Financially I need to figure out what that will look like and how soon we can feasibly start round two with an FET.

I’ve run out of things to say when people who knew about the IVF ask how I am. I don’t have a new way to say, well, I’m kinda used to this. Or actually, sometimes my whole body hurts because I want a baby. Sometimes I’m really just going through the motions and maybe I always will be.

Even though I feel this way now, I’m cautiously optimistic to try again. Infertility is a complex web of emotions that demand to be felt. It’s lonely and scary. All-consuming. But I’ll keep doing it over and over again for the foreseeable future. I don’t have a choice, right?

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Image from The Refined Investor

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3 thoughts on “Settling into failure

  1. snowdroplets says:

    I’m so sorry to hear this cycle was unsuccessful. Sadness, anger, disappointment, confusion, loneliness… all makes sense. I also hear hope and strength and determination! Sending you best wishes for whatever the future holds!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. seekinglittlec says:

    I felt the same way after our first IVF failed, it is so hard to have such high hopes and have it not work. Now you can talk about what you change to improve your chances. It wasn’t until I did acupuncture and PIO shots that ours finally worked. Just keep moving forward and give each chance the same amount of hope.

    Liked by 1 person

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